I've been deliberately not posting because I have so much going through my head.  I wrote someone not too long ago and told them that I felt restless, that I felt like change was coming...  boy did I know what I was talkin' about.  I'm not ready yet to talk about it, it's not even a sure thing yet.  Soon, though, I'll have news.  One way or the other.

Thanksgiving was great.  The turkey was perfect, dressing a little dry, candied yams were delicious.  Yum.  The only thing I wish had been different was my company.  I wish my friends could have been there, and I wish my sister had stayed longer.  On the other side of that fence, though, I'm super happy that I got to sit down, kick my feet up, and enjoy my husband and kids after dinner.

Christmas is right around the corner!

I think it's pretty amazing the difference a great work environment has on your outlook as a whole.

It was 12 degrees when I got in my car this morning.  I don't like the cold.  I never really mind the snow...  after living in the southwest all of my life, snow is a little captivating.  I love to watch it fall, I love to see the moon hit it at night.  Speaking of the moon, stupid moon, has hit my bedroom window all night for the last two days.  Can you say "interrupted sleep"?  Wow, clearly I'm cranky.

Mike is working too much and I don't have much to say about it other than I'm frustrated.  It's not his fault, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

On another note, I have to make an appointment for Zach's senior pictures. 

What is it about women that makes them pursue people that clearly are not interested in them?  I don't get it.

On another note: Winter is here.  I think officially this time.  It snowed for a WHOLE DAY.

There is a lot about where I live that I love deeply.  I love the bright green that the aspens turn in the spring.  I love the sound the blackbirds make in the reeds all summer long.  I love hearing the creek from my bedroom window instead of an air conditioner.  I love that my birthday every year is filled with the golden shades of autumn.  I love the way you can smell fires in the cold air of winter.  I love that when it's negativewhateverfreakingcold the snow literally sparkles in the moonlight...  and the colder it gets, the more magical it looks.  I do not love sitting in my office freezing my ass off because the ENTIRE OUTSIDE WALL IS GLASS. 

I want to go home and take a nap.  My glasses are being fixed so I'm wearing contacts for at least another week.  It's inconvenient.  My eyes feel tired and strained which makes me feel tired and strained.  I'm tired.  I'm strained.  I want a nap.

I think I'm going to write a book.  I'm a little obsessed about it, actually.  It's all I've thought about for the last three weeks.  My challenges:  I'm lazy.  I THINK about it a lot.  I'm less than ready....  I don't have an actual idea for a book.  I just know it's something I'd be good at and so I know I should do it.  The fact that I'm still thinking about it is good, though.  Now...  for the idea part.

I have the sick.  I suspect the youngest gave it to me...  but I can't stay home because A: no more time off and B: Mike is out of the office at some conference or something and I don't feel right calling in when he's not there.
I need to tell you all: Fage yogurt is the best thing since Chobani yogurt.  I love.

My youngest got himself into trouble at school fighting with another kid that has been less than kind to him over the last few years.  They don't look at the last few years, though.  They look at the last few hours.  In the last few hours my kid hit the other kid in the face and gave him a bloody nose.  It was a learning experience for all of us.

Other two are good.  Mike is stress incarnate.  I am...  kind of gross right now.  Life marches on.

I turned 38 today.  It doesn't feel very different.  I was talking to my kids and said it was just one more year closer to 40.  You know what they told me? They said that 40 wasn't considered so bad anymore, like I had missed the memo that I was still cool.  I love them.  Still, I'm one more year closer to 40.  

So, working at home isn't such a great option if you want to make more than $15.00 an hour.  When I hit the "submit" button on the application, I could practically hear the laughter in my declination notice.  Hehe.

This weekend I made Mike take some down time. There was no cleaning.  No talking about work.  No going INTO work.  I did all of the cooking...  he took care of the laundry while I wasn't paying attention, though.  Which is good because I kinda forgot about it.  He needed the breather.  He needs more of them, actually.  I wish he could decompress a little more but you love the guy  you love, right?  He's amazing.  I'm so lucky.

Matt took his first ever solo trip to Fort Collins to visit his girl.  They went to a baseball game, out to dinner, stayed in a fancy hotel and had a wonderful weekend together.  I'm happy for them, their new experiences...  but I'm sad for Hannah.  I think she's lonely.  Maybe I'll send her a care package.


Zach has had all kinds of cool stuff going on.  He's in a program at school called Pro-Start which basically means he's taking culinary arts classes in high school.  He's got himself a fancy little chef jacket, too.  Ooooo.  Anyway, he was recommended by his teacher to go help a local deli get a big order ready and, when all was said and done, they liked him so much they offered him a job on the spot.  He also volunteered to cater a teacher's rehearsal dinner on Friday and really loved it!  I'm really proud of him.  He's showing himself to be dedicated to his choices and I think that's great.  Also, he was nominated for Homecoming King.  Nifty, eh?  I think so.


Ian has been struggling a little.  I think he's missing on simple things, like making sure his name is on his work.  This is, obviously, impacting his grades.  We're working through it, though, and I expect everything to turn around here shortly.  I just ordered him the next two books in the series he's reading and I'm super excited that he loves to read as much as I do.  He's having some issues with a kid at school but we're trying to see how it's going to play out before we get too involved.  I love him and I want to see him successful...  I don't think handling all of his challenges for him will help him get there.  I'm just glad it appears to be very minor at this time.  We'll see how it goes.


I just finished reading The Jungle.  Talk about getting an adjustment to my perspective.  Wow. 

Oooo.  Like the new Blogger interface.

So, anyway, work kind of blows.  Mike plays Powerball twice a week and I find myself silently cheering him on as I verbally condemn him.  I want him to win so we can retire rich and live the rest of our lives in pursuit of whatever the hell we want.  But, because I'm me, I can't actively encourage him to buy lottery tickets.  It's lame.

You know, having boys has been such an amazing experience for me. They have blessed me with a relatively quiet, stress-free home existence.  Until recently.  It's like everything they could do to fuck up my life, and their own, they decided to do this summer.  I love them.  They're smart, entertaining, funny, loving and affectionate.  They're surprisingly vulnerable and strong at the same time.  I want to beat them all upside their heads with something spiky.  This summer, this job, my kids...  seriously, I think I have an ulcer.  I may lose 20 pounds in the next 2 months because I'm too stressed to eat anything without feeling sick.

I was able to chat with David a little today.  I vote all of my friends move to Denver.

I'm tired. I'm vaguely ick. I don't know what's got me in such a funk. I feel unaccomplished. I feel... restless. sigh. I miss my friends.

It's Friday, the last Friday in July... where has the year gone? Everything is going pretty well. We're strapped for cash but it's because we're throwing it all at our credit card debt. Knowing that you're pulling yourself out of debt makes throwing all of your money at it okay, right? Right. So, broke, but not really broke.
We're already thinking/planning/dreaming our next vacation, two summers from now... wondering if we'll have 3 of the kids with us or just 2... or just 1.
Busy being a total mom about Matt heading off to college early next year, Zach graduating next summer, Ian starting middle school. I feel like I walk around perpetually proud and anxious at the same time.
Trying new things. I never want to lose my curiosity about food/art/love. I want to look at my husband every day and know that no matter how well I know him, he is an individual with depths of feeling I will never truly grasp. I want to appreciate him.... and his spaghetti. That was not a metaphor. Tasted cucumber soda yesterday. Mmmm. Thinking about making my sister a windchime out of the bottles.
I found out that Pete is not my biological father. My mother and I talked for more than an hour about her life, her family and my conception. I love my mom. I feel reconnected. I want to buy her a present, I want to send her something nice that will tell her "I appreciate you".
I want to sing for my grandma.
Right now, though... I just want lunch.

Today my sister would have been 32. I don't think of her often, the way I did once. I always think of her today, her birthday. The years tick by and I count them the way I did when I lost my grandfather. I count them against things. He died the year I was graduating high school, right about the time I had the measles. I wasn't yet 18. Matt wasn't yet born. My whole life has happened since then. She died when she was 21, on the cusp of her adult life. Ian wasn't even a year old. I hated my job then... but loved my friends. Ian's whole life has happened since then.

It's been 20 years since my grandfather died, and 10 since I lost my sister. To think of either of them is to feel acutely the loss of time... the time I could have had with them, the time I let go by like it was something I'd have later. I'm happy that, on most days, I don't take the time for granted anymore. Sometimes, because that's the nature of what we are... but I try to remember. It can be the difference of just a day, just an hour... just a moment.

Well, clearly, I'm back from Disneyland. I'm also, less clearly, working.

First the Disneyland update: It was so fucking crowded I almost killed one random guy who, when I told him his stroller was on my foot, kindly told me there was no place else to put it. Yes, yes... really. The food was awesome if expensive. The cast members were 98% awesome. The Grand California Hotel was beautiful and we had a great view but, as I always feel with Disneyland Resort Hotels, the housekeeping was lacking. Overall, the experience was fantastic... just a little bit exhausting. I only had to threaten the children with painful death once.

Work is just like we left it and then some. Nothing exciting. I can say that, between Mike and I, we left for vacation with a hefty bonus. Everyone loves a hefty bonus, right?

It's been warm here. It's raining in the afternoons like it used to when we moved here 6 years ago. It's beautiful. It's lush in the summer rains. The shades of green form a patchwork on the mountains until, turning to granite and snow, they hit that blue-bird sky that Colorado is so known for. The clouds drift like smoke over mountains and into canyons in different shades of white and gray, dropping water into the swollen rivers. When it rains it can pummel you until it hurts or, like today, barely touch your skin. I never get tired of it. I live here in the same wonder I felt when I visited so many years ago. How lucky am I to be so in love? With my husband, my children and my home?

So lucky.

I leave tomorrow for Disneyland. I'm completely ready to go. The only thing left to do is wait and work. Today, tomorrow... but, because I plowed through everything at the beginning of the week, I'm done with work. Now it's that kind of tedious stuff that just barely keeps you occupied while you wait to go home type of work. Can my days drag by a little slower?

I know I talk about how great my kids are fairly often but i wanted to say again how much I adore them all. Matthew with his quiet ambition and passive-aggressive tendencies, his easy acceptance of life and steadfast personality. Zachary with his sense of his own individuality, right and wrong, and fidelity... he's so easy to anger but forgives almost instantly any wrong done to him. Ian, my baby, with his precocious humor and his desire for all things to be fair and good. I couldn't ask for children better, or better for me, than they are. They teach me about love, humility and humanity every day and I am so lucky that they are mine.

Now to take those wonderful young men to Disneyland... just one more day to go!

I am so freaking lazy.... but at least I smell good. I'm not one of those lazy people who have stopped grooming themselves. I shower regularly. I wash my hair. I wear antiperspirant AND perfume. Makeup sometimes finds its way onto my face. I know... I look in the mirror sometimes and I'm like "whoa". I mention this because I hate to exercise. I love the way it feels to run. I miss how the wind feels against my face. I absolutely abhor the asthma-like attack and bodily shutdown I experience in the middle of my moment of bliss. Why? Because it's no longer a moment of bliss when you feel like you're dying. Or maybe it is for some people. It's not for me. So... I don't move as much as I should. I know.

Yesterday my youngest son blew his nose so hard he started to bleed. He's pretty susceptible to massive traumatic bleeding from his face so I didn't think much about it. Gave him a napkin, told him to pinch the bridge of his nose, blahblahblah. A few minutes later the bleeding stopped so I had him come sit by me, gave him a tissue to stuff up his nose in case he started to ooze again, and started to watch TV. I hear sniffling. I look over and my son sneezes... then laughs. Then he does it again. I am kind of snickering a little because I know what the problem is. The tissue is irritating the inside of his nose. So, he sneezes again, he laughs again. He's still laughing as I say, "Let's just take the tissue out. You're not bleeding anymore." and reach over for the tissue. Then it hits me... the shower of snot and spit that my son, in one last horrible sneeze, couldn't contain. I freeze. I am covered in snot. Seriously, I can't see out of my glasses... it's in my hair... it's horrific. My son cannot stop laughing. I look at him with a look that means death to any child with a mother as frightening as I can be... and he gasps between his peels of laughter, "YOU LOOK SO FURIOUS!" and then buckles over and laughs s'more. I turn to look at Mike... Mike is cracking up. I don't know what to do. I'm angry but I can't stop the giggles from escaping my reluctant, snot covered lips. Really, who does this happen to? Me, that's who.

We leave for Disney in just 10 days and I don't know what I'm more excited about. There's so much that we're doing this trip that we haven't done before... and I'm really happy to be able to see my family, though only briefly, as we travel through Vegas. They make me crazy, but I love them.

I feel a little done. I have something going on every weekend from last Sunday through the 4th of July. I'm happy that the time until my vacation will fly by quickly (I hope) but I'm exhausted and I have barely begun the madness! Last weekend we hit Denver for some breakfast the the Bee and some mall time. Tonight my dad comes in to town and will be here through Friday... at some point I'm supposed to have a meal with him. Tomorrow we have Ian's orientation for middle school and on Thursday we have his commencement party. Saturday we're attending Hannah's graduation ceremony and then next Thursday we have a friend coming in to town for the weekend. The weekend after that we're heading to Colorado Springs to install my sister's theater system for her and her fiance and, the weekend after that, we're off to Disneyland... returning the following weekend. Seriously, my crazy-hectic June is like a whirlwind romance where you stop in the middle and go "whaaaa?" and then just keep spinning because, hey, what else can you do? I just yawned after proof reading all of that... that's how exhausting it is.

People annoy me. This isn't much of a secret, really. I love a few, tolerate a few more... but even with them, there's a line. If that line gets crossed, I'm fucking annoyed. I don't want to hear about your drama in a 6 piece email/text documentary only to find the culmination of your story is so sadly anticlimactic that it makes me want to stab you for wasting my time and energy on caring about something that ended up being, at best, boring. I don't want to be invited to the pity party you're having for yourself this week to celebrate all of your bad decisions. I really, REALLY don't want you to ask me what you should do and then listen to you make excuse after excuse for why every piece of advice I might offer, which YOU ASKED ME FOR, won't work. Clearly, today, I am annoyed.

Also, I get to go to Disneyland in 28 days. I feel better now.

I'm tired with no good reason. Maybe because it's Monday. Maybe because I was painfully lazy all weekend. Maybe because I went to bed late. Who the hell knows. I'm just exhausted today, though. Know what else? I have a TON of stuff to do. A ton.

Late last week one of my SIL's dogs ran through a mud puddle, slipped, and tore all of the ligaments in her knee. Now, $3000 later, she's okay but can't stand more than 2 minutes at a time and Jenni is Broke. With a capital B. Because I like to state the obvious. Anyway, Scott pulled out of the Disney trip, Jenni's participation was less than certain, and this left MIL and FIL without any feasible way to cover their expenses on their existing reservation because it was shared with Jenni and Scott. Mike and I crunched some numbers, called them up and had them cancel... then we booked them a ticket package and we're moving them in to our room. A few years ago this would have been intolerable but now I'm happy and excited to do it for them. We also worked out how to get Jenni to go, too, and I'm just ecstatic that we were able to work it all out for everyone.

I'm tired. Still.

I have NEWS! I have contacts for the first time in a few years. I had gone back to glasses after trying about every kind of contact lens when my preferred manufacturer stopped making them in my power. My power being "blind". So I'm testing out a new manufacturer in my power with my base curve... I have tiny eyeballs. I feel some eye strain and I can't say I LOVE love them... but I think that, for what I want to use them for, I'm okay. I want them for vacation, for being outside in the summer or winter when I want to wear my sunglasses (because transition lenses suck ass) and for driving for long periods. I realize this isn't big news but I'm really tired today so this is all you get.

This is a test...

Ian: Mom, can I have time by myself while we're in Disneyland?
Me: You can have time with your brothers, without Dad and me. Why?
Ian: In case I want to make you something, or buy you something.
Me: Yes, but we'd really like for you to use your spending money on YOU. When we give you money to spend on souvenirs, we're giving you a way to prolong the memories you're making. Souvenirs, even if they're small, help you to remember your experiences.
Ian: I think all of my experiences will be in my tummy.
Me: ...

I am procrastinating. I am so good at this it should be my profession. Procrastinating or Planning. I'm a good planner. I'm not so great with execution sometimes... but I'm an AWESOME planner. Speaking of procrastinating and planning... Disney! I have not procrastinated AT ALL about my Disney trip. Not even a little. Matt, Zach, Ian and Mike are all packed. I am currently waiting for one shirt, a pair of shorts, sunscreen and combs to be delivered and I'll be 100% done. This makes me exceedingly happy. I have to wait until the end of May to book Fantasmic! and the World of Color dining... but then, after that, it's just waiting to leave. I love waiting to leave. I go into countdown mode. I'm happy. I'm excited. Kind of like now but in hyper-drive. I walk around threatening my kids with death if they so much as look at me wrong on this trip and ruin my vacation. I love being a mom.

I'm sitting on the sofa. I shouldn't be. I should be finishing my yummy dinner at Moe's. What derailed my delicious excursion, you ask? Well, that would be my husband. You see, about an hour and a half ago, as we all sat around with our shoes on and aggravated that "all" didn't include Mr. Ian, my husband said "I'll go get him!" and trotted outside to find our errant son. Mike did find him... and Ian busted into the room ready for some good grub. Then it happened. Mike found a friend. He began speaking to the neighbor across the street... AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. Now, shoes off, I'm posting on my blog about how hungry I am (I am very hungry) and wishing he'd finish talkin' some guy's ear off so I can get my dinner!

I staaaarrrrrvve.

Also, while I was waiting, Zach did this thing that made me laugh.

First: YAY the pink is gone!

Now, the important stuff:
I feel fat. I'm not any fatter than I was a month ago... or even a year ago... but that doesn't really mean anything, does it? I'm walking at least three days a week, given decent weather. I'm counting calories. I'm even eating the delicious and diet Skinny Cow ice cream (omgsoridiculouslygood) instead of my go-to Häagen-Dazs. I AM DOING PUSH UPS! I am not losing any weight. I get the whole "Keep it up!" "Stick with it!" mentality and I regularly give myself pep-talks to encourage myself. Still, I'm annoyed with my lack of progress. I'll try to keep it up and stick with it, though... just so I can say I did.

Because I am of a certain age, I have begun to use a retinol cream. Apparently, retinol will make you look 15 again. Seriously. The adult acne that has popped up all over my chin is proof. Aside from my reaction to the stuff, which I think is more related to fragrance than the retinol, I like it. We'll see how I feel in a few weeks when this stuff has had a real opportunity to work.

Kid Update:
I'm irritated with Matt. I mean, in a proud parent kind of way. He knows he'd be better off financially if he waited until next fall to move to Fort Collins for school, but he's insisting on going this year. This is one of those moments as a parent that suck. You know you can't make the decision for him. You know his decision isn't BAD, just ill-timed. You're super excited that he's going to University at all... and you want to discourage the hell out of him while cheering him on at the same time.

My other two are, remarkably, not annoying the hell out of me lately. This is good. It gives me more energy to deal with Matt's stupid-ness.

Mike Update:
Mike is fabulous. He's annoyed with his hair and that makes me laugh at him. We've been cycling through rather expensive hair product trying to find something he'll like. Really, the issue is that he doesn't like his hair cut... the product is just something to blame. Lucky for him he's going to see David for a cut at the beginning of July. Too bad it'll be after our trip to Disneyland.

DISNEY UPDATE!
The Disney trip is coming up fast. We've got about 6 and a half weeks left to go and I'm already 85% packed. There's a little more shopping I need to do for the trip and a little more planning... but, mostly, we're all set! I'm so glad, too, because I really need a vacation. Mike really needs a vacation. We are both so ready to go!

All of the pink and yellow on this thing is starting to annoy me.

I think this is going to be my official Q1 update. Early into April and I have to say, the year is going fabulously.

The year began with me not really sure what I was going to do, employment-wise. I had accepted a job with another company in early December, a company that I had worked for before and filled with people I sincerely enjoy. Late in December I was, quite literally, begged to remain in the Business Manager role I had been filling since April of 2010 while the person that was the cause of my initial resignation was let go. I was very torn. I recognized that not everyone was in such a position, being able to pick from two great jobs and while I was frustrated and conflicted, I was grateful for the ability to choose. Like most things related to employment it really ended up coming down to money and benefits. Fortunately, my employer realized he had put me in a bad spot and gave me the opportunity to work part time with the other company in order for them to properly hire and train someone to replace me. So, starting in mid-January, I began working two jobs. It was fun, though sometimes stressful, to be able to mix my week up.. Yesterday was my last day with them, though, and I'm sad to be letting them go... but relieved to be able to focus all of my attention where it's needed. I really do love them and I'm sad to part ways with such great people.

We are planning our way to financial success. What does that mean, exactly? I'm not entirely sure on most days. I can tell you that planning this Disney trip doesn't make me cringe inside at the amount of money we're spending. This is the last trip we're sure we'll be able to take with all of the boys, considering Matt is in college and Zach graduates next year. It was a last chance kind of thing... and we're okay. Even splurging in ways we didn't the first couple of times, we're okay. That makes me feel pretty amazing. Together we've worked really hard to get where we are and it made me beam with pride when Mike could walk into the car dealership and walk out with .9% financing. There was a time not very long ago when that goal seemed so very unattainable. We'll be completely debt free, with the exception of his car loan, before the end of the year, even taking the Disney trip into consideration. I can't help but be thrilled with where we are right now. Mike likes to give me all of the credit... and I let him. This is something I know I'm good at and it makes me happy that he knows it, too.

Fitness hasn't been a strong point for me over the winter. Winter is always difficult for me. So, you know, Q1 kinda sucked in that regard. I haven't gained any weight... but I haven't lost any, either. I'm lazy and I like to sit and read and be warm. People that run when there's snow on the ground make me want to throw up. With the weather warming up I've been better. Mike and I have been out walking three times this week.... and one of those days was wet and rainy and yuck. I had every reason to bow out, and he would have let me, but I didn't. I like feeling the commitment. I like knowing that I can control this part of my life. I don't HAVE to be this way. It's a choice. I do have to confess, though, that my sister telling me about how she wanted to lose 75 lbs in a year and then whining because all she eats is pizza and potato chips kind of motivated me in a way nothing else could have. I really don't want to be that person. Also, I get to be Matron of Honor in a wedding next year. Who wants to look hot in her dress? That'd be me.

I didn't really update on the boys today because this was more about me. I feel like all too often I drop in, post about some random thing that's going on, gush about my perfect children, and then abandon the blog for weeks. While I don't write this for anyone but myself, for my own perusal at later dates, I really do want to write about things going on in my life... not just in theirs. I feel like I'm such a lucky mom. My kids really are all I could hope for, but they aren't all that I am.

Wow, three months. I'm so bad at this.

I had to kind of shut this thing down for a while but I've been lazy about getting back on board. The woman that was causing me so many problems at work ended up searching me and Mike on the internet pretty regularly so, you know, it was just easier not to worry about it for a while. She was fired, though, so I'm a much happier person and I'm staying on at Superior with Mike. While I love C&C and the people there, the benefits just aren't comparable to what I'm offered at Superior. Right now, though, I'm working at both places. I'm happy but a little stretched. I forget stuff and feel like I'm constantly working in overdrive. It's worth it, though, in the long run.

Not a ton going on otherwise. Matt is working at the bank and carpools in with us every day. Zach has decided he wants to be a pastry chef and has taken to asking me if he can cook stuff, anything really, every time I turn around. Ian is great. He's doing well in school and has become an avid reader. It's like a dream. Mike is still frustrated with his job... and, the sad thing is, it's not really his JOB he's frustrated with. It's other people that don't do their jobs the way they should. That's always hard to deal with. One bright spot in his future, though, is the impending purchase of a new car. He's very excited, as am I... but I'm way more excited about the credit cards being paid off.

Disney is right around the corner and I can't wait. We're making payments regularly now and I'll be making the dining reservations at the end of April... then it's paid off in May and we take off in June. What I wouldn't give for a week to get lost in fun right now! Can't wait! (I know I said that already.)